The Girls of Summer

Tonight I find myself in Riverside, California, 70 miles from home. We are watching a softball game, in which my 11 year old daughter and her team is playing for the State Championships. Unbelievable. Long way from home. I need to be less cranky about the long drive in traffic (always here in LA), and embrace these fleeting moments of life.

I will admit, there is nothing quite like the green grass of a ball field, right at twilight. This is a lovely world, sometimes. But, to keep it in the proper context, check this out, and then pray, and maybe even give.

I will let you know the results soon.

Lets Focus on What Really Matters

The Body of Christ. Young and old, rich and poor, strong and weak, confident and fearful. The Scriptures call us to unity, to a life together that is distinct, unique, transformed. Different, set apart, yet completely loving and wonderfully attractive. Its a mystery, and often a journey rather than a destination. Why can this not be our focus?

My old (not that old) friend KC, who is now pastoring at a church in Sacramento, is one fellow who constantly seeks the heart of Christ, and wants to model servant leadership in the best way he knows how. I am so very glad I know him, this morning, I checked his blog and found this and below it, this. As I read these thoughts, I could hear the crack of a wooden bat at a high outside fastball. KC hit it out of the park. I love this guy.

KC's thoughts of Miss Mears stuck me. Henrietta was a woman who was unabashedly focused on introducing people to Christ; it was all that really mattered to her. We have a building at our church named after her. She was influential in the life of many great Christian leaders; Bill Bright, Billy Graham, and Rafer Johnson.

In contrast to this focus, over the past six months, our church has been going through an almost unbelievable time of pain and sadness for many. I have discussed this before here and here. It seems unrelenting.

This past week brought about the resignation of yet another member of the Session, or governing body of the church. But this was no ordinary resignation, this was a resignation filled with fanfare, declarations of persecution, and publicity. Within hours of this resignation, announcements were made on several websites that serve to promote the one-sided view of the staunch supporters of the senior pastor. I will not link to these sites, as they lead to further division of the Body, rather than uniting it.

What should be happening instead? All this blustering, fawning of persecution and secretive plots against the church has me thinking. Thinking about the cross. A single event that towers over history, a day and a weekend that changed everything, everywhere, forever. And yet, we sad, broken, sorry Christian people behave often as if none of this really happened. We are not any different than the world around us. Its all about (me) us, our agendas, our perceptions of who is right and who is wrong. Humility is lost. Excuses abound. Grace has vanished.

Can I state for myself alone that I would be absolutely lost without the transforming grace of Christ. All I own, all those I love, all I hope to do going forward from this day is meaningless without being framed in the light of what Jesus has done for me - and for all of humanity. Its all meaningless without knowing that our lives are lived with a divine purpose in mind. Its all that matters. We have lost our focus. We all need help.

Ben Stein Gets It Right

You know how you get those emails at the office that are sort of annoying; like the "pass this on or you will be hit by a bus", or "write your congressman about this", or "hello, I am the widow of the Nigerian Consulate in Bhugmamaland and I have US $50 million to give you, if you will only write back and give me your bank account PIN"?

Well today, I got an email that made me weep. It seems that Ben Stein has written his last column, but it might have happened a while ago, I can't be sure. Either way, take a minute and read it. You will be glad you did.

Its like Ben crawled inside my head, and read my mind. Take a minute, read it, and be blessed. I would love to have a meal with Ben.

God Speed STS-114

About 12 years ago, I had the privilege of watching a shuttle launch at Kennedy Space Center. I will never, ever, forget it. We were standing almost 3 miles away, and I could feel the rumbling of the liftoff in my chest. It was a pre-dawn launch, and the sky lit up like it was daylight. In some small way, the experience left me feeling that this might be a glimpse of Glory to come. Amazing, striking, beyond belief. I know people think the space program is questionable - but go to a launch, meet people involved in exploration, and you might feel differently.

Five men and two women, floating in space for the next 13 days. Adventurers, explorers, heroes all. God speed, good men and women!

Heaven on Earth and a Weekend Away

Have you ever been here:

Santa Barbara, California, is, in my feeble mind, just about as close to Heaven on earth as one can get. Nancy and I spent two days, without kids here this weekend. Wonderful. Perhaps this is why one of my favorite Americans had his family ranch close to Santa Barbara; it really is God's country. Amazing Mexican food here! Ok, enough sounding like a travelogue.

In other news, the Norris clan continues to span the globe in search of adventure. This week, our 14-year old daughter Kelly is here, on a one week mission trip with her high school fellowship. You can view all the action and updates right here And Heather, the 11-year old wonder, has participated in an amazing team (look at the photo on the far right, that is her team!) I love the web!

In other thrilling news, you will recall that I have been the wandering churchie in the past. This weekend gave my wife and I another shot at being the Mystery worshippers at Santa Barbara Community Church. After my lengthy reviews of other worship services, I have but one thing to say......Wonderful. Heartfelt worship, a casual yet inviting environment, excellent exposition of the Word, and a genuine community of Believers. Thank you God. One warning, wear Rainbows to this church, or be uncool.

Katie and Emily Benton - Make America Proud

I just sat down to check blogs, and spotted this on Fox News. The Benton sisters, injured in the London bombings, spoke to the media today, and it was eloquent. I feel better about America, and the state of our collective souls, just listening to them. I hope that my daughters can have their character and poise, when they reach this age.

Wait, I am sounding like my Dad again. What has become of me, in my middle age?

Lets Not Take Ourselves Too Seriously

For me, the photo at the right is hysterical. The dapper dancing fellow is Jack Roberts, four year old son of Supreme Court nominee John Roberts. According to the New York Times, the Robert's married nine years ago, when they were both in their 40s, and tried to have children. After several failed adoption efforts, they now have Josephine (5) and John (Jack) (4). That is a great story in and of itself. Kids help us not to take ourselves so darned seriously, don't they.

Possible captions might include:

President Bush: "Welcome to the White House Conference on the Crisis of ADHD and America's Stylishly Clad Youth"

Jane Roberts: "Jaaaack, please stop that or Josie is going to put her shoe on your bottom, VERY hard!"

Josephine: "Mother, I don't think Jack took his medicine today"

President Bush: "We are gathered here today to pronounce this Wiggly Sear Sucker Kid Suit Month"

Judge Roberts (through clenched teeth): "Ack Jay, opp stay the ancing day, ow nay!"

Judge Roberts (again through clenched teeth): "Heh, heh, Jack, oh Jack......don't make Daddy go get the Restraining Order Paddle"

Jack: "Neener, neener, neener, I'm performing my own personal filibuster right here."

Jack: "Eyow, I am a bad little dancing white boy!"

Your suggestions are welcome...

Kids Have Very Good Things to Teach Us

Last night, my daughter Heather and I (pictured at left) drove together to the airport to pick up our dear friend and house guest Jill. I love these times in the car with my girls, as it provides us with precious time together to talk about whatever runs into our minds.

As we zoomed down the 710 freeway, this conversation took place:

Heather: "Dad, you know the kid in school with only one arm... (this is a wonderful boy who, through some minor birth defect, is missing the lower portion of one arm)....I was just thinking, Dad, how would he drive a car?"

Me: "Well heck, with one arm, I suppose" (to which I then demonstrated driving with one arm - please don't tell the CHP!) You know, people with handicap's find amazing ways of compensating"

Heather: "Yeah, he is a great kid, they even have a special jump rope for him at school; he can hook one end of it over his shoulder, and he can jump rope just fine"

Me: "That is very cool, I would love to see how that works."

We then drove on for a while, and Heather wanted to play one of the CDs her Mom has in the car, and she went to this song, which is my favorite. I told Heather it was, and she said, "Its my favorite too." I silently thanked God for Heather, I still cannot believe she is my daughter. I love my girls!

The deeper message here for me is, that even in the midst of messy church behavior, Christ is Lord, He is honored by our worship, and we need to continue to seek His face.

I am a sinner. I disappoint those I love often. I cannot make it through this life on my own power. I hope I can have a life that learns to adapt, so I too can hook one end of that jump rope over my shoulder, and jump rope just fine.

What should John Roberts say to the Senate?

President Bush's nomination of John Roberts indicates that the Senate Judiciary committee will be having a partisan free-for-all in the coming days.

How should John Roberts respond to questions from Senators? Look here for an interesting model.

In summary:

"Ginsburg’s hearings demonstrate that there are many valid reasons why a judicial nominee may decline to answer the questions posed by individual senators. Justice Ginsburg declined to answer, or gave only generalized answers, to a vast number of the questions she was asked during her confirmation hearings. Despite this, Justice Ginsburg was confirmed by a vote of 96-3, which suggests that the Senate recognized her reasons for caution as valid and appropriate. In light of this precedent, the Senate and current judicial nominees should carefully apply those same reasons for caution (discussed above) to establish a common understanding of the rules for a confirmation hearing. This understanding will help in avoiding much of the delay and conflict that has become part of the confirmation process."

Life is Short, Lets Make a Difference

Tonight, my wife and I finished watching this, which we had recorded several weeks ago from PBS. It is amazing. Really. Buy the DVD, you will be very glad you did. You Pastors who stop by this blog, this series would make wonderful grist for a discussion of how the church can be effective in the world. Interesting note - not one of the "New Heroes" discussed on PBS had any visible form of Christian faith attached to their work. Think how much more effective the Gospel might be if tethered to social action in developing countries.

Today, as I was running errands in the car, I thought about how many times I use the phrase "life is short" in describing to others why some stuff in life is just not important, like staying later at the office, making more money, or focusing on unimportant details. And the events of the last week or so with my parents brings this all into sharper focus. Will we have lives that make a solid difference, that lift others up, and that leave our corner of the world brighter and more full of God's grace? I sure hope so.

Part of the journey for me is to figure out what that would look like for a guy like me. I own a small commercial real estate appraisal and consulting firm in Old Town Pasadena. How do I use my business, the money it generates, and the experience I have to do something unique and lasting for the Kingdom? Perhaps helping with land use decisions in the developing world, is this possible? Suggestions are welcome! Also, look here in the coming days, to see what interesting things my friend Tod might have to say about all this. Lets link hands, and figure out what God might be calling us to do.

De Nile Is Not Just a River in Egypt

The past several days have been odd ones for me. As I have noted here, my elderly parents have recently required a greater amount of my time and energy than I have been used to in the past. This investment of my life into theirs will likely increase in the weeks and months to come. This is difficult for me, as I grew up in a home where painful things were not discussed, where problems were minimized, conflict was not dealt with in a productive way, but, mind you, everything was always "fine". I have been in a state of denial for some time that this season of life was approaching.

I was raised in the 60s and 70s in a time where "dinner parties" were the big social event, and I played with Matchbox cars, Etch-a-Sketch, and electric football (where the little men jiggle like mad, and then fall over). My Mom wore a moo-moo when the guests came over, and served a "gourmet dinner", as my Dad called it. Much barbecuing occurred on the back deck by the pool. "Cocktails" were consumed prior to dinner, and after about age 15, I was the bartender. Only child bartender, imagine that.

Yesterday, my folks and I met with the social worker who is assisting in our care-giving, to discuss what comes next. We agreed that care will 8 hours a day, every day of the week. Someone will be there to watch over them all day, until they have completed dinner and are heading off to bed. Dad is worried that we will not let him drive any more, and I am not sure what to do about that yet. Mom is more amenable to moving to an assisted living facility, but Dad is not there yet, and may not ever be.

As I drove to my parent's home yesterday, I prayed that I might become a provider of grace, mercy, and peace to my folks. I hope that was accomplished. I am sure they are feeling stress and worry that they cannot speak of. After my 47 years, I have learned that they are not from a very communicative generation. I hope I can be more honest and freeing to my own girls as I age. My sweet wife purchased this book earlier in the week for me, and it has been a source of comfort. Another source of meaning has been this. Another book I have been thinking about getting a copy of is this.

I am loath to admit that all of these changes have had me thinking (is it selfish?) quite a bit about where I am in life, and suddenly realizing my own mortality as never before. Some day, these sad things will be happening to me. However, my prayer is that they may happen in an easier way, a more joyous way, and perhaps even a way filled with laughter. Is that possible? I hope so.

In the end, this life is a mystery. I want to embrace that, and be present in the moments of struggle and pain for Mom and Dad. This is what Jesus would have me do, I am confident. A touch to someone who is wounded, a listening ear to the woman at the well, a confidence that the Kingdom of God lies ahead.

This is Why I Drink...Moderately

I feel vindicated by the Wall Street Journal. For those of you wondering how I do it, this article illustrates is why I am a more humble and generous fellow than the average bear.

Please drop a comment if the link does not work, and I will go have a drink with the Editors and straighten this all out.

Making A Difference - One Pump at a Time

The IDE Foot Pump (flowers not included)

First off, sorry for the huge paragraphs and mega font....Blogger is misbehaving today....

Here in South Pasadena we have been blessed to befriend some really wonderful people. I have posted briefly on the charms of our little town in the Big City here. One of the best blessing we have had is getting to know Jim & Debbie Taylor and their children. We met them about four years ago, have become good friends, and observed as they have begun and adventurous journey toward doing something remarkable - one farmer at a time - half way around the world.

Debbie, is a native of Myanmar (Burma) and has worked in Myanmar since 1995 as a consultant to the United Nations Development Programme and The World Bank. She has over 20 years of experience in developing countries, working in both Cambodia and Indonesia. She holds a masters degree from Harvard University in development economics and public policy. Jim has extensive experience in both the private and public sectors. Prior to launching the IDE-Myanmar program he was a senior executive in a global software company serving the food industry and in a Fortune 400 agri-business company. His development experience includes work in Cambodia, Indonesia, Bangladesh, and India. He holds an MBA from the University of Southern California and a masters degree from Harvard University. So there you are; two very smart and compassionate souls, and wonderful marriage partners.

Two years ago, the Taylors packed their belongings, leased their house on the next block over from our house, and took of to Burma, with their 12 year old son and 16 year old daughter. Jim and Debbie are now working in conjunction with International Development Enterprises (IDE), manufacturing, marketing, and selling a small foot pump (pictured above). The pump sells to rural farmers for $13, and can increase annual income for a small farmer more than $150 per year.

You should know this type of development work has a good track record. In neighboring Bangladesh in the 1980s, IDE came across a locally-invented treadle pump with great promise. IDE helped to refine the pump design, initiate a private-sector supply chain, and actively market the pump to smallholders. The result was a phenomenal growth in the treadle pump market with dozens of manufacturers, over a thousand dealers, and over 1.5 million treadle pump users to date. The rural economy has been lifted to the point where many farmers are now investing in diesel pumps, as they can afford to even further increase investment and productivity in their farms.

Two people on the next street over take a risk, move thousands of miles away from home, and begin to make a difference, one pump at a time. Kingdom stuff.

Google Earth Rocks!

As a commercial real estate consultant, the new Google Earth is amazing beyond comprehension. This software will take you anywhere you want to go on the planet in seconds. Download it today, play with it (waisting about 2 hours easily), and enjoy a truly remarkable product of the Internet age. I am awaiting "Google Universe" next.

Chosen, Blessed, and Broken

From the words of Henri Nouwen:

"When Jesus took bread, blessed it, broke it, and gave it to his disciples, he summarized in these gestures his own life. Jesus is chosen from all eternity, blessed at his baptism in the Jordan River, broken on the cross, and given as bread to the world. Being chosen, blessed, broken, and given is the sacred journey of the Son of God, Jesus the Christ.

When we take bread, bless it, break it, and give it with the words "This is the Body of Christ," we express our commitment to make our lives conform to the life of Christ. We too want to live as people chosen, blessed, and broken, and thus become food for the world."

Please Lord, let me be like this.

Henri Nouwen 1932-1996

Kindergarten Sunday School Connects with Real Life

My father, Roland, who you will learn about more in the weeks and months to come, is 85 years old, and served in the 5th Air Force during World War II as a B-17 pilot. More later on that.

This past Sunday was my turn to teach the Sunday school lesson to the 11 o'clock Kindergarten class at our church. I have virtually no memory of Sunday school growing up, as my parents were far more "culturally Christian" than evangelical. That is much of the way it was during the 60's and 70s, at least for me. I learned yesterday that Kindergarten lessons are not silly, and really do connect directly to real life.

Anyway, the lesson was on Genesis 39 and 40; and Joseph's character and behavior, first as a slave for the King, and secondly as a slave in prison. The theme of the morning was, in kindergarten parlance, "I will never get tired of doing what is right". I told the story of Joseph, using my wonderfully cooperative daughter Heather as an example - running errands all over the room (with a smile on her face). I think the kids enjoyed it.

But as my pastor friends have told me, sometimes the sermon is really for yourself, and not the intended audience. And so it was (and is) with me.....

Over the last several months, my Dad's general health has declined significantly, to the point where he and my Mom (84 years old), require much more emotional involvement, time, and care. I am so very blessed to be standing in this with my wonderful wife, who is one of the most compassionate people I have ever met, and with an outstanding social worker who specializes in senior care. As an only child, I don't know what I would do without them. We will work as a team to provide my folks with the best care possible. I hope to share my journey with you here, in order to journal my own thoughts, and to illustrate God's faithfulness. His presence gives me hope, purpose, and compassion to care. That conviction is not something I come about by my own strength. Indeed, His Grace is Sufficient.

It is going to be a tough road, not smooth and easy, as I would prefer. But I know that this road is where Jesus wants me to be. I am not alone in this journey.

And so, pray for me. Pray that I would "never get tired of doing what is right!"

If you have had a similar journey, let me know.

Attitude is Important

This is too good to avoid sharing, with images like these. (HT to Hugh Hewitt) Interesting how that website makes me think about this. And to follow it up, I was struck today by the thoughts of Daniel Henninger of the Wall Street Journal, who connects the dots together in an interesting way about the relationship between the London bombings and other foreign policy issues.

Also, if you want to understand a bit more of the pluck of the British, rent this movie. It has long been one of my favorites; perhaps because it illustrates the character of a people and of a family experiencing war in a way that I have never had to face in my 47 years. I have heard much of war from my 86 year old father though. More on that another time. For more direct from the London source, visit here.

And finally, to get a sense of perspective of all this madness, take a long look at this.

Grace and Peace, and prayers for the people of London.

United We Stand with the British

Today was not an easy day. Unfortunately, now July 7th will have a similar, although possibly different meaning to the people of London that September 11th does to us. We will never forget.

Two things to read and think about. First, this, which is quite scary to me. Al Franken needs to stick with comedy. And next is this, an example of the spirit of the British people, who all deserve our prayers this night.

Lord, hear our prayer for the people of London.

Boy, Aren't We American's Swell?!

Over the past several weeks, there has been much fomenting in the Blogosphere regarding the One Campaign, the G8 Conference, and Live8.

Not to be the guy who is left out, I am taking a brief break from my church musings (I might still have more to say, but I am not sure) to give you a measure of cognitive dissonance over the whole African aid issue.

To start off, David Smith seems to be all in a lather about the One Campaign, claiming that corruption is at the root of all evil in Africa. He is probably right, but sometimes I have a hard time reading because of this log in my own eye, you know?

Then we have Doug Payton at Stones Cry Out commenting that Americans are really generous. I have read this before, I believe in the Wall Street Journal, and other places, and this concept makes me feel strange. We are generous, isn't that nice of us? Come to think of it, we are also clean, brave, thrifty, and reverent (well, sort of), we Americans. Please reference the graphic above, as it is self congratulation time. Oh wait, I forgot to mention that we Americans are also humble. As a matter of fact, in scientific studies, Americans were found to be 15 times more humble that any other major population occupying a land mass north of the Equator.

Alright, I am sorry, the sarcasm is getting too thick. But in response, I want to share with you this (HT to Tod Bolsinger) which for me, captures what really should be happening. I just have to quote my favorite paragraph:

Why appeal to government when the church is a far better resource? John L. and Sylvia Ronsvalle, authors of The State of Church Giving Through 2001, note that if American Christians gave 10 percent of their income to support the work of the church, it would provide $143 billion to equip the church to do what she is called to do. Why ask for a measly $25 billion when the American church has more money and can directly support those private groups charged with addressing the greatest needs in the most effective ways? This approach allows governments to focus on things like building infrastructure and securing peace and justice.

So, is the church a better resource? What you say? No?! What is wrong with us self-congratulatory American Christians? When will the church stand up and become something more than an institution, but rather a living, breathing vessel of the transformational Christ? When will we stop sitting on our wallets and open them? Perhaps then, those around us who sit on the sidelines and giggle at our little church silliness (as I have been recently discussing, and have been a part of myself) will begin to see a community of Believers that actually can and do make a difference? Oh, and if that is not enough, you might want to get a hold of this (it is amazing), because it seems there are a lot of non-Christian folk who are doing work that is more redemtive than a lot of church folk can often do.

Stepping down off my soap box now. Thanks for letting me rant.

Remembering the Fallen

On this day after the 4th, we all need to remember the quality of character of the men and women who protect our freedom and work to bring freedom to others.

Take a couple of minutes to listen to the story of a fallen hero. If you have dry eyes afterward, you are a tougher soul than I.

God Bless Maj. Steven Reich, his family, and his new bride. May He grant them Peace beyond understanding.

A More Perfect Union or Perfect Society?

Today is the 4th of July. I our town we have a "Festival of Balloons" Parade, which is an event that involves a whole lot more people; kids, seniors, parents, and whoever wanders into the parade route than actual balloons. The photo to the right is of a two-story tall inflatable Lady Liberty, who wobbled down the parade route today, being towed by a guy riding an ATV. It was great. My wife and I sat with our dog and watched everything go by - in South Pasadena the joke is that about half of the town is actually in the parade, and the other half cheers them as they go by. It is small town Americana at its best, in the midst of a huge metropolis. What a gift each day here is.

Today, we celebrate the Declaration of Independence, as our nation is 229 years old. Ronald Reagan once said, "You and I have a rendezvous with destiny. We will preserve for our children this, the last best hope of man on earth, or we will sentence them to take the first step into a thousand years of darkness. If we fail, at least let our children and our children's children say of us we justified our brief moment here. We did all that could be done."

It took our little nation more than a decade to get from the Declaration to the Constitution; written in the summer of 1787 in Philadelphia. The first line of the US Constitution reads:

"We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America."

We have come a long way since that hot, sticky summer on the cobblestone streets of Philadelphia. This stuck me as I read this wonderful, haunting article by Angela Beise, who is a missionary in France. Indeed, we must be very careful with our freedoms and with the technologies we are unleashing on the world.

I have a friend named Molly. She is turning 8 years old this month. She lives with a wonderfully loving family near us, dear friends we have know for more than 20 years. Molly loves life, and never seems to hold still for a moment. She is always the center of attention, and she loves to make people laugh. Molly has Down Syndrome. I hate to think what all of our lives would be like without Molly; of how much less color we would see.

Sometimes I wonder, are we really still working to "preserve this last best hope of man on earth"?

Happy 4th of July!

I'll Take Jesus Door #3, Monty!

Over the past several days, my friends Rob Asghar and Tod Bolsinger have been discussing the same thing, on different yet parallel tracks. Rob has been discussing, as fairly as I think is possible, the history of profound failure in leadership at Hollywood Presbyterian. Tod is beginning what I hope will be a longer discussion of what the church should really be about. You really need to review what these two have been saying.

Tod's recent comments have me thinking about what we expect church to be, and about something I mentioned briefly before. The picture Tod paints of today's church is something I have heard him mention before, of church as some kind of "spiritual smorgasbord", or buffet table, in which you pick the things you want, and leave the stuff you don't like on the table. We tend to demand and then take from church what we want, and leaving the rest behind, including things that might bring so many more people to relationship with Christ and His Kingdom. It gives me the willies sometimes; "Give me Jesus Door #3 Monty, I will take Promise Keepers, Joel Osteen, and hanging out only with people that look like me!"

Maybe in many ways, this is what is wrong with the American church, and why the vitality and charisma of the church here seems so lacking compared with the explosive growth of the church in the third world . Just look at what happened to the church in Western Europe; and I wonder if we might be heading that way as well. Perhaps this is what has been wrong with Hollywood Presbyterian, and why it has gotten itself into such a mess. Too many trees, and not a good view of the forrest. It was "church as usual", or "church for a select few", or too oriented around the personality of a well-meaning but overly controlling pastor. We American church folk need to reexamine the way we do church, the lives we lead, and the core mission of this Jesus fellow that we follow.

However, if we do this, really follow this Jesus, its likely to be messy. He is going to ask us to love the unlovely, to do the hard thing, to live with less possessions, and for our lives to be less self-centered. I am the first to admit, as an only child, that I don't like some of these ideas. Lord help me where I am weak. Help us all.

My Happy Place and a Tour of Hollywood

We just need a good therapist

I have been very busy with work and family things this week, but two of my good friends have started in on further discussions of why the church lets us down, and how we let each other down within the Body of Christ. I often let other people down, including my family, so I know how this feels.

Tod Bolsinger's comments on his "happy place" left me thinking of my favorite comic therapist (pictured above) while Rob Asghar has some of his most lengthy posts ever about all the pain, confusion, and faults of a once-great church, not to mention a newspaper column that is absolutely the most equal-time piece I have seen yet about the way we humans behave in conflict. Well done, Rob!

I might have more to add at some point in all this, but for now, you are left in good hands with these two very good men.

Keeping a Sense of Perspective

For the past couple of days I have been blogging on the rather narrow topic of what I think is wrong with the church I have attended for a number of years. Then today, I stopped by the blog of Keith Smith, and felt a strange chill - as my silly little life was put into sudden perspective.

We need to understand our place in the world, and the potential that we have to affect real change. Our lives can make a difference, in very tangible ways. This is what should really haunt us (play the video!), and make us think twice about what we think is important. Really.

Lord help me from my narrow little self.

Doing The Right Thing, Even if it Hurts....A Lot

Gosh, how could this church have any problems?

As I noted recently, the greatest tragedy in the sad church split that I have been discussing recently has been the inability of those in leadership to really focus on the things that are important, namely the unity of the church around the Lordship of Christ. The ordination vows in the Presbyterian church include the following question of those being ordained to pastoral ministry :

"Do you promise to further the peace, unity, and purity of the church? "

As I have learned, "unity and purity" can mean different things to different people. By way of example, let me share with you a true story:

A pastor I have know of and have respected for many years was, a number of years ago, pastoring a solid and growing church when a faction that didn't like his leadership tried to force him out, by taking a vote of "no confidence". The pastor was stunned and heart broken. As he prayed about what was best for God's temple, he decided that it would really be best if he resigned. Though he felt sure that he could defeat his foes, and also had the support of the local Presbytery, he also believed that this would seriously damage the church over the long run. His career, his income, his reputation . . . none of these mattered as much as the church he loved so much. So he resigned.

Now this is upside-down logic if I have ever seen it. In corporate life, or secular culture, this pastor was what might technically be described as "whimping out". I mean really now, what a chicken, to cower in the face of detractors. Egads. Pathetic. I trust you sense my sarcasm.

What I have witnessed in the past several months at my church, has been the opposite of this story. "Spin" has been the order of the day. Excuses, and blaming, and conspiracy theories have taken the place of humility, repentance, dialog, and a pursuit of unity. It is all very, very sad. And I fear that to those looking in from the outside, this is just another example of the hollow claims that Christian folk can live in community that is any different from the rest of the world. I would hope going forward that we can all, including myself, do better than this. By the way, I have feet of clay that reach up to my neck.

For deeper thoughts than I am capable of on the topic of church/Christian conflict, go here and here.

Too Much Stuff

This week, I came across a haunting article in the Wall Street Journal about the self storage industry. It seems that "whatever the strains and shortcomings of the U.S. economy, we Americans have a whole lot more stuff than we used to. How much? So much that there is enough space in rentable self-storage lockers in the U.S. for each man, woman and child to stand on a spot 2½ feet by 2½ feet, with room left over. The U.S. has 1.875 billion square feet of self-storage space, according to the Self Storage Association.:

I did some quick math, and found out that this is 43,044 acres of land, or 67 square miles. This is horrendous!

Now, to be clear, about 40% of self storage space is occupied by businesses, but this still leaves all of us a square of 1.875' x 1.875' to stand in, or 40 square miles of self storage space. Again, from the Journal:

"....most folks who rent storage space use it to store furniture, kitchenware, clothing, photos and paintings, holiday and seasonal items, books and magazines, towels and linens, the trade association's survey found. About 9% said they store food in them. (Maybe that's what happens when you buy too much at Costco or Sam's Club.) And it isn't just rich folks who have an abundance of belongings: A third of the units are rented by people with incomes under $30,000 a year."

Now really. Something about this is very bizzare to me; and makes me think about this. Now of course, I actually have a storage unit - because the attorney's are in charge of our lives, and I have to keep all my business records for five years. But we don't have a personal storage unit, as my wife and I have decided that if we ever need one, we simply have too much "stuff", and need to give it away to those less fortunate.

But this quote, was to me the scariest of the whole article:

"Forget about two- or three-car garages and finished basements -- today that's just not enough space for U.S. households overflowing with excess furniture, camping gear, sporting equipment," Joseph Quinlan, chief stock-market strategist for Bank of America Corp., said in a note to clients the other day. He even suggested that the ability to put all that stuff in storage units is a "critical prop to global growth" because consumers will keep spending only as long as they have a place to put their purchases. "If U.S. consumers run out of storage space," he quipped, "the global economy is doomed."

Can you hear the creepy science-fiction music in the background. What kind of a society have we created?

A Response to Poor Reporting

The Eye of the Storm

For the last two posts I have been discussing errors in the media, and more specifically, errors found in this article, by one of America's most respected Christian periodicals, Christianity Today.

As I mentioned, I contacted the writer of the article, and then had the opportunity to correspond via email with the Editor of CT, Mark Galli. Although he started out by indicating that CT "stood by their story", a rather over-used cliche (I have found recently) in publishing, as we corresponded more, his stance softened, and I found a man with a kindred spirit for the health and vitality of the church. As it turns out, Mr. Galli is a former Presbyterian pastor, who has also served on committees in the church that have had to confront the same kind of dysfunction we had been struggling with at Hollywood for some time. So, in a way, the Editor of Christianity today, "gets" the struggle we are going through.

After encouragement from Mr. Galli, and some thought, prayer, and counsel on my part, I have submitted a letter to the Editor. I am reproducing it here in whole, as it will likely not be published until the later in the summer, due to some kind of odd publishing cycle at CT. In a way, this is my best effort to sum up the problems at our church, in as short, simple, and fair a manner as possible, in order to attempt to publicly set the record straight.

Dear Editors:

I am writing in response to your article concerning a “power struggle” at Hollywood Presbyterian church. As a member of this congregation for more than 20 years, and an elder, I was disappointed by your superficial reporting. I have spoken with the writer of this article, who relied upon highly biased input. His primary source was the church’s former director of communications, who was fired by the Session after he publicly renounced the church and its current leadership.

To be clear, the problems at Hollywood have never been about worship styles, or an evangelical congregation in a mainline denomination. Our painful struggle has long been focused on our Senior Pastor, who has alienated key members and leaders for some time. To be fair, the complaints against the Pastor have been from a minority of members, but this minority is comprised of solid evangelicals who worked closely with the Senior Pastor for many years (both elders and staff).

Supporters of the Senior Pastor have chosen to politicize these problems, by accusing the Presbytery of a “liberal plot” to overthrow the church leadership. This is a baseless charge which has distracted many from the real issues. Our local presbytery has known of our problems for some time, and acted to attempt to reconcile a church that was very sick well before the situation called for their involvement; last year’s $840,000 deficit was just one symptom of a deep dysfunction in the church leadership.

Sadly, the pastors in the eye of this storm have not had the dignity to stand up and call for the unity of the church around the person of Christ. Their silence, combined with their efforts to defend themselves, no matter what the cost to the church, have created a far greater divide in our church. This lack of focus on the person and mission of Christ in our church is the greatest tragedy in this long and painful episode.

Steven Norris

And so, there you have it. I was limited to about 300 words, and I used 325. As, I said, the inability of our pastors to stand up for church unity and for the centrality of Christ is the saddest part of all of this. I want to say a bit more about this point soon; stay tuned.

To me, the second saddest part of all this is the way even the Christian press has fouled up getting the story right. As a result, my perception of "journalistic professionalism" has forever been changed.

Truth, or Hearsay

Laundry out to dry

As I noted below, the dirty laundry of our church is now out for everyone to see. The problem is that only a few pieces of the wash-load really belong to us. It seems that certain items in the load got very mixed up during the "spin" cycle of our church drama these past few months. I will try, over the next couple of posts, to outline where things have gone wrong in the press.

Christianity Today and Telling the Truth
The title of the article reads "Power Struggle Rocks Hollywood Presbyterian", on the Christianity Today website. As a member of this congregation for more than 20 years, and an elder, I was disappointed by the superficial reporting of this, the most respected Christian magazine. For many years I have relied upon the reporting of Christianity Today (CT henceforth) to keep me informed of developments in both the Christian and contemporary culture.

This was an article I took personally, and a topic about which I know a bit more than, well, the author. And so, I took it upon myself to locate the author, and express my dissatisfaction with his work. I spoke with James Jewell on his cell phone in Atlanta, where he works for a media company as a "stringer" or freelance writer for CT. As it turns out, Mr. Jewell was kind and thoughtful during our 10 minute chat, and listened well to my thoughts. I have been treated kindly by those at CT that I have come into contact with. More on that later.

Unfortunately, Mr. Jewell relied upon highly biased input. His primary source was the church's former director of communications, who was recently fired by the Session, after he publicly renounced the church and its current leadership.

At the end of our conversation, Mr. Jewell offered the thought that he may not have gotten a complete view of both sides of the story. Indeed, he did not. Over the past several months, as our laundry (much of it not really ours, as noted) has been shown to the public via the press, I have found myself remembering the case of Jayson Blair at the New York Times, and the recent case of Newsweek apologizing for a major reporting error. After some thought, it seems the American public might be right in their mistrust of the "fourth estate". I find myself now wondering whether just about anything I read in print is really 100% true.

What makes me the most frustrated in all of this? I feel very disappointed that the supposed apex in Christian news reporting cannot do the proper research and fact checking to tell the story of a complex and sad church split. I also wonder what happened to working toward excellence. Whether it was deadline pressures, poor fact-checking, or just relying on a bad source, the damage has been done. And in this case, it is damage to a situation in our church that already has all the markings of a major traffic accident.

Trying to Tell the Truth

In Journalism, sometimes it helps to have lots of erasers

As some of you may know, our family has spent nearly the last year struggling with a very painful church split. As our church has somewhat of a "storied past", this split has made it, in modest ways, into the press. Having this mess aired in public has been painful, to say the least.

But what has been even more painful yet has been the ways I have seen the press, in several different forms, completely flounder at nearly every attempt to tell the story of what has been going on. I have followed the misreporting and miss steps of these various reports quietly now for some time. Events of the last couple of weeks have brought me out of my quiet place. Its time to speak up, and to tell things as honestly as I know how.

And so, here begins an attempt to set the record straight, in at least a small way. This may take several posts to accomplish, but I think it is worth it. At the end of the day, what I hope results from all this is the beginnings of a movement to unity within the Body of Christ. The saddest part of all of this has been how press reports have served to spread completely erroneous information and further the divide in our congregation. The ugly result of all this has been my experience on this day.

The Last in a Series of Boo-Boos

The most recent article, and the one that will possibly have the widest effect on the way our church is perceived by many is this recent web article, which will soon be in the print edition of Christianity Today magazine. After having this article emailed to me by several friends, and a couple of business clients, and then discussing it with several friends, I decided to attempt to actually contact the writer, in order to clarify some errors and to express my sadness over this whole affair. It is so sad that our dirty laundry has been aired-out, and even sadder that some the laundry that is out on the line now, is not even our laundry.

More on errors, and my conversations with folks from Christianity Today soon.

Terrorism for Everyman

What should we do?...

Last Friday I read a piece in the Wall Street Journal that is worth a look by us all. Although the Journal requires a sign up (which has a free period, before charging you) I have found this to be a quality publication that always make me think beyond the static we often get on television and radio.

Daniel Henninger makes some very convincing points about the current state of affairs in Iraq,

Living in the U.S., one could make the cold-blooded calculation that 21,000 dead and 55,000 injured from all terrorist acts over 10 years (actual statistics) is a drop in the bucket and that the war in Iraq has mainly increased the rate of death. This may be true. But if as many suicide bombs went off in Manhattan as have gone off in Israel, Manhattanites would have demanded martial law and the summary execution of suspects on street corners. Their greatest goal in life would not be, as it is now, the closing of interrogation rooms on Guantanamo but instead the erasure of terrorists hiding across the East River.

And then, to finish:

No matter how fat the diet of stories about Iraq suicide bombings or Gitmo shoved down our throats and no matter how many distraught opinion-poll results come back up, no serious person can allow post-9/11 American security to be reduced to that. The death march of homicidal zombies in Iraq is trying to push us toward accepting the idea that acts of unrestrained violence against other human beings is now a normal part of politics. It is not normal. Any civilized person should want to resist the normalization of civilian killing as a political act -- whether in Iraq, Spain, Indonesia or Kashmir. These matters have been at the heart of John Bolton's marooned nomination to the U.N. Mr. Bolton's adversaries criticize his impatience with large bureaucracies tasked to the war on terror, such as the State Department, and worry he won't respect the U.N. "system." The U.N. itself has never been able to even agree on a definition of terror. A high-level U.N. panel bluntly concluded last year: "Lack of agreement on a clear and well-known definition undermines the normative and moral stance against terrorism and has stained the United Nations' image." Little wonder, then, that our own news coverage of these repeated slaughters of civilians in Iraq also lacks any normative or moral context unfavorable to the perpetrators. And little wonder that in such a world the only "side" many people in the U.S. feel comfortable with is heading for the exits.

This was striking to me. Why do we not hear that blowing up your own citizens is morally bankrupt, not to mention essentially insane? This is anarchy, and we cannot simply walk away from the table here. Where would we be as a nation now if, during World War II, we had ignored the moral implications of simply doing nothing or walking away from the serious problems of other nations and cultures?

Tonight, as I turn out the lights, I will pray for our troops in harms way, and for the leaders of the fledgling nation of Iraq, that peace might prevail and the insanity would stop.

Lord, hear my prayer.

Leaving Two Schools and Growing Up

Promotion time - life is moving on....

I could weep. But not from sadness, or tragedy, or loneliness, or sorrow. My life is full, and busy, and blessed, and overflowing. I could weep from a strange mix of feelings. Life is moving on, and I, of all people in my family, am not quite ready for it all. I haven't been for some time now.

Today was "promotion" day in South Pasadena; the time when we honor elementary and middle school students who are moving up to new schools. And, by Divine Plan in our family, this year is unique. We have two girls moving up - Heather our 11 year old is moving up from Marengo Elementary School to Middle School, and Kelly, our 14 year old, is moving on to South Pasadena High School. And so, today, we attended two different promotion events, one at the elementary school for our 5th grader, and one at the Middle School for our high-schooler to be.

In a couple of days I will turn 47. I am deep in the middle section of middle age. I am a bit soft around the middle and very exposed to the elements on top (note photo above). I am married to a wonderful woman who is a kind and passionate and caring and a very involved mom. She is a dear, forgiving, and loving wife. I don't deserve any of this.

For the past 9 years, we have been blessed to have one, then two, then back to one daughter in Marengo School, which is a wonderful, caring, nurturing, small town-feeling school. The principal is our friend and next door neighbor (no kidding) of 15 years. We could not be more blessed. Our Heather is ready to move on to Middle School. Marengo was great, but time to take a jump in the waters of Middle School.

For the past three years our older daughter has been navigating the waters of Middle School, and has come out at the end of the rapids. Head up, kayak afloat, smiling, and with great grades. But she is ready for bigger class rapids, deeper water, and perhaps a wilder ride. High school looms ahead, and she is ready. Time to move on.

And then there is Dad. I would be the guy standing at the edge of the river, holding a paddle, wearing a life vest, smiling, watching it all take place, and having many, many thoughts. Some of those thoughts are like foggy memories which came floating through my head today during Middle School promotion, while watching all those different sized and shaped Middle Schoolers get their certificates. Life at this stage is so awkward, so tentative, so, well, adolescent. I can vaguely, very vaguely remember that weird stage of my own life.

Some other thoughts occurred this morning, during Elementary promotion. Perhaps the most haunting thought, or really more of a feeling, is that of loss. It is indeed time for me to grow up, along with my daughters. There are lots of things I miss these days, and I think it has a lot to do with the ages of my girls (11 and 14). I miss little girls. Girls that come up to your knee, or your waist at most. I miss being gang tackled when I come home from work with screams of "Daddy!". I miss sitting at dinner and having someone tell me "the best part of school today was recess". I miss one particular daughter constantly falling out of her chair at dinner because she was laughing too hard. I miss reading together in bed. I miss watching completely ridiculous Disney movies together.

Now when I come home I am lucky if I get acknowledged at all, by my girls at least. My wife is still good at saying hello. One girl is on the phone, and the other is either on the computer or doing homework or at some sports practice. We don't read together anymore - No more Arthur's Teacher's Trouble. And if we watch movies together, its usually after a debate over the rating of the movie, the content, and whether it is "appropriate". The is a lot of eye-rolling and sighing that goes on at our house during this particular season of life.

And so, here I stand with my paddle, and the water rolls on. The current keeps moving. I can't stop it. My eyes are full of tears, and being male, I am not sure why. But I think I know. Its all about this remarkable journey we are on together as a family, and the remarkable God that makes it all possible. He gave us these girls to hold, wet and bright and wiggly and crying, 11 and 14 years ago. But He has always wanted us to hold them gently, because they really never belonged to us. I used to hold them so tight when they were little. But, these girls are His, just loaned to us for a while. And with each passing year, I can feel that my grip on them is lessening. I don't like that feeling, I want to hold on tight. But the grip is softer, and hands I reach out to hold, do not hang on as long or as tight as they used to.

So it should be. May the One who gave us these hands to hold remind me each day of His sure grip on all of our lives. All of us.

Tsunami Warning...Never Mind!

Whole lotta shaken goin' on Baby!

Check this out:

TO - TSUNAMI WARNING SYSTEM PARTICIPANTS IN ALASKA/BRITISH COLUMBIA/WASHINGTON/OREGON/CALIFORNIAFROM - WEST COAST AND ALASKA TSUNAMI WARNING CENTER/NOAA/NWSSUBJECT - TSUNAMI WARNING BULLETIN - FINALBULLETIN NUMBER 2ISSUED 06/15/2005 AT 0409 UTC...THE TSUNAMI WARNING AND WATCH STATUS IS CANCELED FOR CALIFORNIA - OREGON - WASHINGTON - BRITISH COLUMBIA - AND ALASKA...

Ok, now I feel much better.

Mr. Evangelical Holiness Wesleyan

Thanks to my friend Tim Thompson in Canada, I have now found out that I am:

68% Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan
64% Emergent Post Modern
54% Roman Catholic
54% Neo Orthodox
43% Reformed Evangelical
36% Modern Liberal
25% Fundamentalist (phew)
14% Classical Liberal
14% Charismatic

I find this interesting, as I grew up marginally Methodist, but accepted Christ as a part of involvement in an evangelical Presbyterian Church, and have been a Presbyterian for about 25 years. Reading this, I think I may have made just about everyone happy, except the Fundamentalists, Liberals, and Charismatics. Oh darn, and I wanted everyone to like me....

But really, its about Christ, not dogmas.

Gotta Love Howard

We love ya, Howard!

One must now ask what in the world the Democratic National Committee was thinking about when they named Howard Dean as Chairman. It makes no sense whatsoever to me.

This was pointed out further in a question asked during a press conference this past week in Washington, DC. Read more about it here.

My favorite part:

"The press chorus then devolved into a cacophony of competing screams. (And Dean knows screams!) After several seconds, a booming voice cut through the noise. It belonged to Brian Wilson, a Fox News correspondent who was standing in the middle of the crowd. He asked Dean "if people are focused on the other things that you've said about hating Republicans, about Republicans being dishonest and then this latest comment about the Republican Party is full of white Christians. You say you hate Republicans -- does that mean you also'' hate white Christians?

Dean didn't respond......."

I just love Howard Dean.

From All Over, Going All Over

Congrats Fuller Grads!

There are some moments in life that seem dry and painful, almost void of God's presence. Sometimes the days go by one after another without significant meaning; just plodding along. Being middle-aged, I often have days like this, in spite of the joys of raising two girls. And then, there are other moments. Moments that seem frozen in time, memories that can last us for years.

Last night was one of those times at our house. During the past year or so, we have developed friendships with four very different Fuller Seminary graduate students, and yesterday was graduation day. We threw a party at our house for our four friends:

Christiana - Masters of Divinity - now seeking her Doctorate, possibly at the University of Aberdeen
Ben - Masters of Divinity - seeking ordination in the Presbyterian Church, and service in the US military as a chaplain
Karen - Masters of Divinity - seeking ordination in the Presbyterian Church
Lindsay - Masters of Divinity - now pursuing her Masters in Family Therapy at Fuller

We are blessed to know these wonderful folks, and it is so energizing to know that they are moving forth into the world to pursue further education and begin careers in ministry, caring, and education. Do not loose heart, there are wonderful people entering service for the Kingdom. And hey, I just realized three of the four are women. Not bad.

Congratulations, Fuller graduates! Continue the journey....go forth!

Lets Hear It for Lack of Direction

Church Plant in Nothing!

Alright. This post really spins my beanie, especially after all the church poop we have experienced over the past year. I have experienced life in a church without a clearly defined strategy, (or a "Strategy of the Week") and to coin a phrase of KC's "it blows"!

Lack of direction, baby. Totally rocks! Let's do a church plant in Nothing, Arizona. Who is with me?

The One Campaign, Pros and Cons

Let's at least, do something.

Over the past several days, I have been reading and thinking about The One Campaign, as well as hearing about Tony Blair and George Bush meeting to discuss aid and debt relief for the poorest of Africa's nations.

At first, I must admit, the One Campaign sounds like a no-brainer. My blogging friend David Smith has had some comments here and on his blog which, as usual, take the contrarian view that perhaps "One" is too simple. Well, as it turns out, this is not a simple issue. For those of you who want to know a bit more about what is going on in Africa, I direct you here and here.

It seems that the One Campaign does not exactly have a list of loosers who have joined together to support it. Their web site states the following founders:
Bread for the World, CARE, DATA, International Medical Corps, International Rescue Committee, Mercy Corps, Oxfam America, Plan USA, Save the Children US, World Concern, and World Vision, and works closely with the National Basketball Association, Rock the Vote, and the Millennium Campaign. Ok, except for the NBA (which deserves a separate post on the poor role models they produce and encourage for America's young men), this looks like a pretty good bunch.

I am still trying to figure this one out, and I encourage input from those smarter than I. However, there is a voice I hear ringing in my ear,"... whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."

I have no expectation that all the designs of the One Campaign will be instantly implemented and be completely successful. I was an Economics major in college, and I understand the inefficiencies of markets and the corruption of foreign governments. It appears that Bush and Blair are starting down the right road, and they deserve our support. I am supporting the One Campaign not because I think it is perfect, but because it is a step in the right direction.

Men & Woman - Vastly Different Perspectives

Homework

I received this in an email today:

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Here's a prime example offered by an English professor:

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.
Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:

Rebecca (last name deleted), and Gary (last name deleted).

THE STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargobay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her."Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let' sblow 'em out of the sky!"

(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of STUPID TASTELESS TEA??? Oh no, I'm stressing because I am such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)
Mindless Jerk!

(Gary)
Bimbo!

(Rebecca)
Drop dead, - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!

(Gary)

Go drink some tea - airhead!

(TEACHER)
Good job - A+!